31 Reasons why I'm done with online dating
1. Women with unrealistic and narrow expectations
About a year ago a survey came out featuring a dating site called OK Cupid. Women were asked to rate the images on men on that dating site and it turned out women rated 80% of the men "below average". So much for it is what's on the inside that counts. She'll spend half her profile saying how she is searching for her true soul mate, then follow-up with criteria so strict that it becomes a math problem. I wish I had a dollar for every time I saw "Must be at least 6 feet tall because I like to dance in heels." So if someone meets all her criteria but he is 5 foot 8, he's out of luck? Honourable mentions to "Must be between ages of 33 and 35" "Must live downtown" "Must not have kids" (even though SHE has kids).
2. Rude Women
My messages to women were always hand-crafted, complimentary, and referred to something in their profile that proved that I read their profile. Despite this, I've occasionally received a response back that was utterly dismissive. A "sorry, not interested" would suffice, but one response stood out in which the 'lady' responded with, "Do you honestly think we would of dated in High school?" WOW. I thought we were adults here. There were also times where a coffee date would go so well that we would end up spending the day together, have dinner, part ways, and I would never hear from her again. Her profile would still be up but she would not respond to my message which would be as innocuous as, "Hey, I really enjoyed our coffee date and getting to know more about you. " Some women would go so far as to remove their profile. Being stood up goes without saying.
I kind of blame Disney movies for this, and Hollywood for that matter. So many women have profiles where they are looking for their chivalrous prince, and want to be treated like a queen. Rarely is there any form of reciprocity mentioned. On the site Plenty of Fish, there is a box labelled first date where women will describe what their idea of a first date is. I will admit that most are fine with an initial meet-and-greet coffee date. But some are looking for a full day experience topped off with dinner at a fancy restaurant, after a day of skydiving, or a trip to Niagara Falls (2 hours from where I live).
4. Cliché Interests
There is the proverbial "Likes walks on the beach". The nearest beach (with actual sand and not rocks) is 2 hours away from I live, and the few times I have gone there I rarely see couples walking on the beach. They are either too busy watching their spawn, or lying on the beach trying to get a tan. Other interest like shopping and shoes really don't interest us ladies. Think about who your audience is. Hint: It's not you, and it's your girlfriends.
5. Supply and Demand(er)
If you are looking for a stunningly beautiful woman on these sites, they are in short supply. I suspect these women for the most part do not need online dating as they are probably propositioned on a daily basis in real life. The ones that are online for the most part rarely have complete profiles and have minimal details about them. Without saying much at all their profile SCREAMS, "Prove yourself to me that you are worthy of someone like me". I've heard it mentioned that the ratio of men to women on some online dating sites can be as high as 10:1.
6. It’s the same girls
Maybe this is a function of living in a city of 200,000 people, but so many of the girls are the same. In 10 years of online dating I have taken breaks ranging from 3 to 9 months. When I log back in (or start a new profile), there's always a cast or regulars that are still there. A few are not bad looking, so you have to wonder why they are still there.
7. Shopping Lists & Rules
There are so many profiles that read like shopping lists. She is the consumer (literally) and you are the product. You must be this, you must be that, you must love your job, you must love dogs, you must love traveling, you must be fit, etc. Rarely do these profiles show what she is offering in return. Then there are the rules. Don't contact me if you are a player, you are violent, you are unemployed, you don't have post secondary education, you live at home, you don't have a relationship with God, you don't work out 5 times a week, you don't treat me like a princess, you don't share most of my interests (the ones listed being typical interests for women, but not really for men like shopping and shoes). By the time you are done reading the profile, you start to wonder if ANYONE is good enough for her. My favourite is "If you are a player, don't contact me." As if players are honest and/or don't like a challenge.
8. Deceptive Dating Sites
You often see ads for a variety of online dating sites, which show beautiful members that are supposedly on the site. I noticed some sites go one step extra and will list the city these fabled women live in, and wouldn't you know it, they live either in my city, or a neighbouring town! Of course they have to be politically correct and show several different races of women, so it is pretty easy to do a search with that criteria to see that she doesn't live nearby, and in some cases that particular race doesn't even live nearby. The women in these ads are also models, so if you are new to online dating you will be in for a shock once you log in and start looking around. There are also reports of some site hiring writers to make fake profiles to trick men that there are more women on the site than there actually is. There was one site in the news recently that hired a woman to write 1000 profiles for their website in Brazil. The site was for married people who wanted an affair. If that is your business model, can you really trust the employees who work for you?
These can be pretty elaborate in setup. One was breathtaking in detail but amazingly stupid in final execution. I contacted one lady who supposedly lived in a nearby town. She responded back favourably, and we exchanged several messages. Not the typical "Hi, how you doing." but 4-5 paragraph letters. She learned a lot about me, and I learned all the details of how she came to Canada 10 years ago, set up an art gallery in her town, and how she goes on several trips a year to buy items for her gallery from Europe. She had a daughter, aged 10, and described her previous relationship in detail. After about 2 weeks of back and forth she announced she was going on a business trip for a week, but would stay in touch through email. Lo and behold, 1 day later she's in Nigeria of all places and needs money. She said the Visa machines were down, and that she spent the last of her cash at the airport where they were forced to get immunizations to get into the country. Imagine that... needed immunizations to get INTO Nigeria and not the other way around. I wonder if you were allowed to claim your luggage before or after the immunizations? Anyhow, I gave her several ideas of how to get out of her bind and she shot each one down. This went on for half an hour (through online chat) before she "lost it" and confessed she was actually some guy in Nigeria and how I should go F myself.
10. It’s distracting and a time waster
At my peak efforts, I’d send messages daily. And they took a long time to write because I was following the various tips of how to make your message stand out, ask the right number of questions, and mention specific items in her profile. Because so few messages translated to actually meeting in person, I would at times have several conversations on the go and had to track and record what I said to who. Some women would not respond for a week, while others would respond right away. More often than not, asking to meet in person often mean the death knell for the conversation. I guess "shit got real" and they realized they were using a real guy for nothing more than ego stroking, or conversation when they were bored. Also when it comes to online dating, it's only a click away whenever you are at your computer. Just a minute to check your email becomes 5, then 10, and possibly an hour if you notice some new members.
11. Every girl looks for the same four things
A funny guy, good conversation, their best friend, and someone to do things with. Every. Single. Girl. Quite often they would not list what they had to offer, other than a selfie of herself doing a duck face. I never take the funny guy criteria seriously. I am probably the funniest guy I know, and could easily make most ladies laugh at my humorous messages or online chats. I never had a coffee date where I couldn't make my date laugh at least a few times, but it rarely lead anywhere.
12. I obsessed over my profile
Each year my profile would get more and more refined as I picked up tips here and there on what made a great profile. I spent hours on websites that had dating and profile tips. I received compliments from women who I never initiated contact with saying how my profile was excellent. Most of the time though there was usually another sentence that would squash any ideas of me replying back. "Your profile is excellent..... but I am looking for someone locally" and the ever famous "Good luck in your search."
13. It’s expensive
There is something wrong when you end up spending more money on a woman you just met (or been out with just a few times) than you do on a birthday or Christmas present for a parent or child. I’m done with $50+ dinners where my date doesn’t even say thank you. I’m done with buying flowers. And I’m done with paying (wasteful) monthly fees to online dating services. You would think that going from a free service to a paid service would increase your chances, but that is NOT the case. I received fewer responses on paid sites than on the free ones. On Lavalife, you pay 'credits' in order to message someone. Converted to dollars this came out to somewhere around $1.50 just to send a message which the majority of the time is never responded to! The times that I was messaged (implying that a woman somewhere spent money to message me) it turned out to be a scam. She would either prefer to chat with you at some other site where I could get in "Free", only to find out it was a webcam sex site. Other times the message appeared innocent enough but as soon as you clicked on their profile, it was gone with a message from Lavalife saying how the account was deleted by them for spam.
This is the most elusive thing to attain, at least truthfully. Perhaps renting an expensive car, wearing a Rolex, and outright lying would of worked but that's not me. It's also the catchall rejection word in messages after a coffee date or 1 or 2 first real dates. Before you ask, my pictures were always clear, recent and had at least one shot of my whole body, so there were no surprises on my end.
15. Women send too many short messages
The most common online dating tip is never to send an initial message that just says "Hi." I seemed to get an inordinate number of messages that would just say "wanna chat?" Women and dating 'experts' are always preaching to men to learn to ask a question about something on the woman's profile. But, this should go both ways. The majority of the time this was from women with profiles that told me NOTHING about her. Profiles that say "Will fill this in later." or "Ask me." is the epitome of laziness and will probably translate to their approach to relationships.
16. It hasn’t worked
I’m still single. Most people give up after 1, 2 or 3 years. I am in a field that is predominantly male. My social circle is small, and I am not into meeting women in bars. I've never hit a woman, nor cheated on one. I have been fully employed for 23 years straight, I earn a good living, I pay my child support, I get along with my ex-wife, I am not demanding and if anything I have lowered my standards to the point where it is just not worth it. But I am average looking, and my average car does not hint at my relatively high financial net worth.
17. Perpetual chatters
I'm convinced some women are online just for the ego boost. Messaging can go on for several weeks, but once you suggest meeting in real life, in a public area, they disappear in a flash.
18. No secondary benefits
No positive spin-off effects. It was a partial hope that in meeting all these women over the years that some might just want to become friends (especially ones that were new to the area), to expand my social circle, but nope. I think I've made 1 friend in total and currently it has been just at Facebook level for 6 months since we last met for lunch.
19. A lot of them don't know what they want
Should it really take 5 dates for you to figure out that things should end because you haven't had sex in 8 years and don't plan on having any in the next 8? (True story) Then there was the one where we had brunch in a really nice restaurant, then played a few rounds of mini-golf, then went for a walk at a local park. She looked like she was really enjoying my company. As I dropped her off at her place, she gave me a hug, got out of the car, only to turn around and say that she was going to take a break from dating. So why did she exchange several lengthy messages and go out with me? I'll give her credit to tell me in person, rather than a follow-up email, but I was just dumbfounded. You had to be there.
20. Junky women
I'll admit I am probably in the minority these days of people that hate tattoos. I've learned to accept that most women will have a few, but when an entire arm is tattooed in solid colors from your shoulder to your hand that is a bit much. It just looks so trashy at any kind of formal event. Some just scare me. What is with tattooed breasts and having some word tattoo across your chest. That will look so classy in a strapless dress... that is if they even own a dress. On Plenty of Fish you have to answer what your drinking habits are and if you use drugs. There are quite a few profiles where women will admit to drinking more than 3 times a week and/or doing drugs 'often'. I wouldn't date anyone 18, but I saw one profile where she was 18 and had 3 kids already.
With gender roles so blurred (Thank you feminists) it's hard to know what is considered "cool" or not. Do I wait 1 day, 2, 3 days? Did opening the car door for her offend her? Did giving her a flower make me look desperate?
22. Six Stages of Grief in one. Rinse. Repeat.
Denial - She's playing it cool and will respond in a few days
Anger - Dat Ho is dis-respectin' me (sorry Rappers)
Bargaining - God, give me this one and I promise to devote my life to the orphans.
Depression - There is no God.
Acceptance - This is fucked.
23. Knowing our place
"I'm a Mom and my children come first!" Sure, I get that, but will they come first 100% of the time? Would you want to put your heart and soul into a relationship where you are 2nd all the time from the get-go?
24. Mr. Meal ticket
There number of women that are single but have 3 or more children is astounding. In talking with the women I dated (most of which had 1 kid or none), the conversation would sometimes be about divorce, and it seemed like each one knew a friend or a few friends who had kids but somehow the biological dad did not pay support. Are they looking for someone to fill that financial void? One date was candid enough to say, "I thought all Dads were deadbeats." This was after I told her that I do pay child support, and on time too! If you see a profile by a Filipina, there is 99% chance she is only here as a live-in-caregiver. Are they looking to just become a citizen here?
25. You want what?
I'm amazed how many women are over 40 and still want to have kids. I'm sorry but even if I wanted to have more kids, there are too many risks when either of the parents are over 40, such as Down syndrome. Honestly, who wants to be in their 60s when their kids are graduating High School? Also with couples often waiting till their 30s to have kids, you'll be in your mid 70s by the time the first grandkid shows up.
I try to avoid "ism", especially feminism. Once I hit 40, I noticed a significant drop off in the number of responses. It's not like I'm messaging women in their 20's or early 30's (I am 45). When I do searches, I specify the age range I am looking for but pad it by 5 years in both directions, because you never know. If women do searches (which I am not entirely convinced that they do) they probably have an upper cut-off of 40.
A significant number of profiles are just dripping in hate. I don't need to read about details of your divorce, and I don't need you to describe the kind of guy you don't want complete with examples. "I'm tired of this... I'm tired of that...." and I'm tired of reading that. They remind me so much of my ex-mother-in-law. Divorced twice, over 50, dyed blonde hair with a bowl cut, and a true-blue man-hater. Sweet and doting when she was in a relationship, but instant SS guard when the relationship soured. Victim. Victim. Victim. Lots of these girls put on their profile, “I’m a ***** and if you can’t handle it, then **** off!” Needless to say, right now, I’m looking for a girl who is, I don’t know . . . nice?
There's also the rants of how men are only after one thing. Meanwhile her profile shows her pretty slutty clothing and/or doing poses that only accentuate her breasts or ass.
28. Must love dogs
We get it, you love dogs. But to be insistent on it is a bit much. Just because a phrase is in a movie title, doesn't mean it's a principle to live by. Personally I find our culture puts way too much importance on pets. If you are truly looking for your soul mate, will you dismiss him if he's not a pet lover? What if he's the perfect guy, but he's allergic to dogs (or cats)? I've had several dates cut short because she has to go home and walk the dog. I know one married couple where the wife is absolutely gaga over the dog. I see more love and caring expressed to her dog than her 3 year old daughter. In a thought experiment where she is at the edge of a cliff holding onto her husband with one hand and the dog with the other, I KNOW which one she would let go first to save the other.
29. All that and a bag of chips (in her feedbag)
There is a fine line between confidence and outright being full of yourself. Then there are the attempted shaming techniques of posting "Real men enjoy curves, only dogs go for a pile of bones." No, real men enjoy someone who is healthy! Now there are truly curvy women out there that are attractive, but those curves are in the right direction! The inward curve from the bust to the hips, should be just that ...INWARDS, not outwards like the Michelin Man. Besides, real men enjoy whatever the hell they want! Who are you to tell me what I like and what I SHOULD prefer?
30. Deceptive Women
Why do fat women post pictures of themselves with a better looking skinny female friend? They conveniently leave out the fact of which person they are in the photo. Other tactics include pictures so dark that you can only make out the face. Being graphically inclined, I put some of these pictures into Photoshop and increased the brightness and contrast on these photos, and viola....Michelin-Man figure. I used to message women whose profile had no pictures, but it quickly became apparent that 90% of the time these women were quite large. NEVER, NEVER, was the female attractive. The other 10% were either adamant that they didn't want to share their picture, or were so technologically incapable of taking a picture of themselves with a cell phone. Then there are the cheaters. Some say so outright on their profile, while others insist that you not pick them up at their home, or other suspicious behaviours.
31. It's an industry
Dating sites, even the free ones, make money. We've all seen those E-Harmony commercials where they will find you a perfect match. After your answer over 100 questions, you are left with a list of your best matches. There are many people online that have said they went through the whole process only to find out that there were NO matches for them. On person went as far as making a dating site just for people who had no matches on E-Harmony! I would not be surprised if both sites were owned by the same company. Once you join a site, be prepared for more spam in your email inbox from competing websites, so of which are very specialized. Name a fetish and there is a dating site centred around that fetish. Transexual-Asian-Amputtee-Dominatrix.com anyone? I've come across some websites that compare dating sites, and some of the more risqué sites all share the same database of singles. So someone on a site like AdultFriendFinder might join another site called, say, HispanicMilfFinder, and find the same group of Hispanic women on both sites. This will probably get much worse once they build enough smarts into these websites for fake profiles to converse with you, maybe even initiate contact. I mean if a computer can be trained to go on the show Jeopardy and win against previous champions, how hard would it be to program a profile to respond back to your with, "Thank you for your message. I really liked your profile. Do you like stuff?"
So you may be thinking, how are you going to meet people if you’re not going to do online dating anymore? It’s simple: I’m not.
Have you given up on online dating? Did I miss any points?